Puppy Love and Loss

You may need to be a dog (or other animal) mommy or gandmom to understand the intensity of emotion behind this post.

It's been a hard week.  This is Fenway.  He was my grandpuppy.  He had a personality like no other and he insisted that everyone love him.  On Monday, my daughter had to put Fenway down.  He had a chronic illness and had been sick for years.  Before Mike died, he would go to Kim's house every day and let Fenway out.  Some days, he would take him up to camp and let him run free.  So, this death is also a reminder of Mike's.

The intensity of my emotions really shocked me.  I took 2 days off from work, but couldn't tell anyone why I needed the time off.  How do you tell your employer that you are sad because a dog you don't even own has passed away?

I worry that people will think of me as a drama queen.  Or not serious enough about my work.  Or mentally unstable.  And, this week, I have worried about all of these things myself.

What I do know is that I loved this boy intensely.  And I know that Mike was holding the leash and waiting for him on the other side.

Who gets to walk the Bride down the Aisle when Dad is Dead?

First of all, this was a spectacular day!  Our baby girl got married to a terrific guy in August.  We were all so happy.

And I was very very very emotional (there aren't enough very's in the world).  I felt Mike's presence.  He was there.  And he walked her down the aisle.  Figuratively.  Literally.

Our eldest son got the honor of walking his sister down the aisle.  The youngest son managed to sneak some of his dad's ashes into a ziplock bag and then into the pocket of the eldest.

Some people thought it was kind of sick.  You really need to be a widow to understand.

The Major Birthday party that wasn't

On Monday, May 12, Mike would've turned 60.  He would not have been happy about it.  And I probably would have been a real ass and gave him a big party.  But the day passed.  No fanfare.  No phone calls.  And finally, early in the evening, I posted a little blip on Facebook.  That's it.  Happy 60th.

Quick One

Can I just say...I'm really tired of defining myself as widowed!  That's all.

Am I in Drive?

I'm well over the 3 year mark now and I still wonder if I've got myself in Drive or Neutral.  It's been slow going, I will admit.  When I look back, I'm sure that I've moved forward a lot...miles and miles forward.  But, I sometimes get stuck...like I put myself in Neutral and can't figure out how to get myself to move.  There is still so much I want for myself, and yet...he's not here.  So, I wonder if it's worth it to want more.  And of course it is!  

Lately these days, I find myself making lists.  Not of things to do or buy, but things that I love or want for myself.  Then, I tell myself that I'll start working on this stuff.  And I don't.  Because...well...he's not here.  

And yet, things are still working out.  Every time I make a small change, it causes a ripple.  Leaving a job that no longer served me allowed me to work more in a job that makes me feel like I'm "on purpose".  And that job opened up to additional responsibilities with more money.  Every little positive change keeps me moving forward.  Little steps.  Little changes.  Miles and Miles forward over time.  

Letting Go

It's said that we are at the end of an eclipse season here on earth.  It has been of time of letting go to allow the new to enter.  I sure have been letting go of pieces of my life lately.  And I really hope the new stuff will be spectacular.

In the last 2 months, I quit the financial services job, sold my camper and let go of camp, mom moved back to my sister's, and my son and his family moved out.  It's been a wild and crazy ride, but I'm ready for whatever comes next.  I'm just hoping it's going to be a mix of fun, laughter, serenity and peace.

Wow! I must be busy!

Six months since my last post.  Geez, time flies when you're having fun.

I have been on a quest to "find myself".  I think I'm doing pretty well.  I have been journaling a lot, taking courses for certification in the natural health fields, eating for health (and lost almost 10 pounds in the process), and quit the job in financial services (in spite of it being the better paycheck).  Mom will be moving back to my sisters (she comes and goes like the wind), and I'm still looking for God.

At some point, I'll get around to making some changes with this blog, but for now, I like short and sweet.