Friends

I am on facebook...like everyone else in the world I guess.

Anyways, I now have my mom living with me. She is in the beginning stages of alzheimers, and I know things are going to get very bad. Right now though...things are kind of funny.
Some of the stuff she says and does are outright hilarious, so I have posted a few of them for my friends to see. Now, I am not one who just friend requests everyone and I'm pretty selective in who I accept as a friend. Unfortunately, I may have erred in a couple of choices.

Apparently, some people feel the need to tell me their opinion of me on facebook for all to see. I have been told that some of the things I post are disrespectful. Well, guess what? I am my mother's daughter and Be Warned: I am not necessarily nice these days.

I have no patience for people who judge. Open your doors so we can all see how you're living.

Camp

Two days after Mike died, I went back to camp. It was very early on that Saturday morning (4 a.m.) and absolutely no one was around. I spent a couple of hours that morning, wrapped in his shirts, his baseball cap on my head, crying, sleeping fitfully in the bed he died in. The following day, I went back with my kids so we could take stuff home for the winter. I haven't been back since.

Camp officially opens in 2 weeks. It was our home away from home. I don't want to give it up, but I'm afraid of the intensity. The grandkids love it there. Our friends are there.

I don't remember what we took home. I don't remember if we cleaned out cabinets. How will I feel if I find his toothbrush? How does the awning work? How does anything work? He took care of that stuff. I used to look forward to this time of year.

I'm thinking I may go back sometime this weekend. Or not.

Easter

Put on the happy face for the kids and grandkids today, then came home and cried for over an hour. It probably didn't help that mom didn't want to go out and was totally confused when I got home.

I miss Mike so much. It's hard to believe that I will not see him again for the rest of my life. Holidays are so hard.

Searching

I've always been a Searcher...looking for meaning, purpose, dreams to answer to. It's harder now. I want to move on...from the feeling of aloneness, from the care of others, from the job that holds me hostage.

It seems I'm never satisfied. After Mary was injured in the car accident, I felt as if I was wrapped in a dark fog. I was totally focused on what ifs...and how to's. If only I'd known that I only had less than a month to spend time with Mike. I would have forced myself to appreciate what I still had..however fleeting.

Next week, I will be going back to "the job", at least for a short while...or maybe a long while. I don't want to. I saw an interview with Po Bronson (author). In the presentation, he mentioned that people ask themselves "Will this make me happy?" What they should be asking is "Will this make me fulfilled?" Will the job make me happy? Well, the money is pretty good. Will this job make me fulfilled? Hell no.

Daylight Savings Time

The clocks went forward this morning for Daylight Savings Time. I'm both happy and sad. For the last 15 years, it signified the longer days of camping season. I loved to camp...with Mike. I'm going to keep the camper and the site for now, but it will be hard.

I'll be returning to work tomorrow. I've been out for months. I was pretty happy to find out that I'll be working in another position (at least temporarily). It's a job I've done before and really liked it. So I'm looking forward to it.

Did I say Easy?

I thought the remodel of mom's room would be easy. Yeah, right.

I own a very old 2-family home. One of my sons lives downstairs with his family, and the room under my mom's belongs to his daughter. Somehow, we (me, and my 2 boys) decided that we should just do it right. So, the walls in both bedrooms have been taken down, we've hired an electrician to run new wiring, new windows will be installed in both rooms, and the outside walls will be insulated.

I can hear Mike "Why do you want to do that? I don't know why you just don't sell and get the hell out." He would then realize that I never listened to him before so why would I start now.

All of this work will push back mom's ability to use the room of course. So, I may have her move in to another room temporarily.

The second condo didn't work out. The asking price was ridiculous and didn't give me much negotiation power. When it's right, it's right...and this one wasn't.

Exactly one week before I return to work.

One Down

The condo is done! I must say, it looks amazing. My boys did a great job getting everything done.

(For some reason, the pictures on the finished condo came out looking pink. It's white.)

On to the next project -- the room that mom will occupy. That should be easy, with the exception of a couple of replacement windows. Well, even that will be easy 'cause my boys are pretty good at that kind of stuff.

The guy who owns the condo where the estate sale was called me last night. I was a bit surprised at what he wants for the place considering the amount of work that's needed. I have to keep telling myself that this one is not a foreclosure, so if I want it, I may have to pay a bit more. He said he'd like to get together to talk specifics. So, we'll be getting together tomorrow morning to have that discussion.

Mike would tell me I'm crazy.