Here We Go...

December...again.

One year ago today, our friends and family attended a lunch in Mike's memory. After the lunch, a few of us remained behind in the lounge. While we were there, I got a phone call from the hospital advising me that Mary was going to be discharged...probably on the 16th. I was floored. There was so much coming at me then. How did I ever hold it together? When I look back, I am amazed at what our family went through.

Not only did I have to plan his service, I also had to plan Mary's trip home...and didn't even know what her brain would be able to handle. Then I had to tiptoe around my granddaughter's father in order to get him to agree that she could come home with her mother.

I remember questioning if Mike died for this....the money needed to get her back home was given to us when he died. Friends and family were so generous. I would give it all back to have him here with me again.

I am pretty impressed with myself. During this past year, I have done some pretty amazing things...buying a condo, getting Mary and her kids here and back home again, quitting my job, getting another one, taking the kids on vacations, maintaining the house, and making sure mom was taken care of. Damn...I'm good.

One Year Anniversary

It's done. I've done the whole year. I get a badge now, right??

I mean...seriously...can't it be like graduation or something? You get to wear a cap and gown and move the tassel from one side of the cap to the other. I'm a big girl now kind of stuff.

I'm too old for this. No...I'm too young for this. Oh hell, I'm just tired and I would like to rest. No, not rest in peace...just rest...and peace. I would like for things to just start working out.

Here We Go

Although officially it's November 26, for me, one year is really Thanksgiving Day...the 4th Thursday of the month.

On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, one year ago, Mike and I walked in the rain. I didn't want to. He did. I tried to tell him it was raining. He said it was only a light mist. By the time we got back home, I was drenched. He wore rain gear. I'm so glad that I walked in the rain with him.

I can't believe it's been a year since the last time I saw him. It's like a really bad joke..."ok Mike...that's enough...get your ass back here." Sometimes I swear I can hear him. I still miss him so much. I still find myself crying...like now...at 4 a.m.

I think today may be the worst day...by Thanksgiving, he was already gone. I remember every minute of the day before...meeting him at Kim's at lunch time, watching him teach Gianna how to spell "green", walking in the rain, and his last phone call asking me if apple juice can give you heartburn. I told him I would look it up and let him know tomorrow. shit.

Caretaking

I wish I could say that the caretaking I'm doing is for me...it's not. I get home from work today and mom has had a few "sips" of wine. There was a large red mark on the counter to show as evidence. I'm pretty sure she didn't bother to eat her lunch because that was on the counter too. So apparently lunch consisted of zinfendel.

Then Meg brought Gi over for me to babysit. Meg is a single parent and Gi's dad has removed himself from the picture, so I am the "alternate" parent. I would really like to be "just" Mimi, but I know it's hard on Meg to be working full time nights. The problem today is that Gi is sick.

So, I make mom some dinner, and serve it up with a glass of water. Then, I bring Gi in a little of the same meal, but alas...she doesn't like it. I feel bad. She's sick. So, back to the kitchen to make her a little something that won't bother her throat.

In the meantime, mom decides that she wants to help...and starts doing the dishes. Mom doesn't wash dishes...she swishes her hand around in cold water. The dishes will need to be re-washed.

The good news is that it's 5:15 and mom is going to bed. So is Gi. What are the chances I'm going to have a nice quiet morning tomorrow?

Monday

One year ago, on the Monday before Thanksgiving, Mike went to the doctor for a checkup. Just thinking about it pisses me off. I will never understand why his medication wasn't adjusted for the weight loss or why the doctor didn't know that the pain in his foot could be related to that medication. Damn it.


This is a hard week for me. I can't sit still. If I do, I think too much. This weekend, I painted a bench, cleaned out the refrigerator, cleaned out the office, and painted the kitchen. At this rate, I could have the entire house remodeled by Thanksgiving Day.

On another note, mom wants to go back to Linda's. She is so funny. She told me that she wished Linda and I lived together so she could live with both of us. Yeah....No!

2 in 1 day

A year ago today, I was feeling very overwhelmed, sad and depressed. Mary's doctor hadn't given us much hope for brain recovery, Dan had gone back home, and Jaime was left in Oregon all alone to be with Mary. It was all I could do to keep it together.

Then, around 4 in the afternoon, I went to join Mike and our camping friends for dinner. On the drive there, I realized that I was still grateful. My kids were so supportive, Jaime was handling things out in Oregon, our friends were wonderful, and my husband was my best friend.

How did I not know that the freight train was only 12 days away.

Speaking of Natural

A couple of days ago, mom decided we needed cheese. So, off to the store she goes with Catie and brought home a few snacks (see previous post) and some of that good, wholesome orange cheese. What are the chances that orange cheese is natural? Um...no chance in hell.

So, getting on with the story...I was out of my cheese and really really wanted a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. So, I go ahead and pull out one of the orange cheese pre-wrapped slices from the refrigerator. I hesitantly put it on the (whole buttered) organic bread with the organic tomato and began to grill...and grill...and grill...AND...the cheese didn't melt. It warped, it got a little hard on the edges, but it didn't melt! It's supposed to be cheese! Of course it should melt!

The list of ingredients is scary...and I'm sure there's enough preservative in this stuff to keep it from melting in a raging fire. Compared to the cheese I like to use "milk, salt, organic rennet." That's it. Even that could be improved upon if I could find a good source of raw milk cheese around here.

I ended up with the sandwich in the trash. Mom really needs to stay out of the grocery store.