The Two Year Mark

Today...November 26...the official two year mark.

I had another dream about him last night.  Well, it was actually a dream about getting audited by the IRS and he showed up to offer support after the stress landed me in the hospital. 

So, for now, it's too early to know how I feel.  I'm kind of afraid to get out of bed this morning for fear of feeling sad, and afraid to stay in bed for fear of dreaming about how the audit turned out.  Good grief.  

Thanksgiving in Year 2

Here we go again.  Another year almost complete.  This year, I'm a little sad.  Mostly grateful.  When I look back from here, I can't believe how completely and totally my life has changed.  From here, it looks like the big bang...an explosion that sent me reeling.  But, from the very beginning, I was surrounded by my family and friends.  I can never thank them enough.  Some were there within minutes, some were there within hours.  And then, there are the friends who came along much later.  They are the ones who made me realize that it's ok to laugh and to keep living.

This week, 2 families I know will be having funerals on the day before Thanksgiving.  Their lives forever changed.   I want them to know that someday...maybe 2 years from now...they will be ok.

Dreams

I sometimes wonder if they are the window to the other world.  Every once in awhile, I dream of him.  When I do, he's a little sad...like he knows I'm sad.  Then he shows the "goofy" him...in my last dream, he wanted to go say hi to people he knew...knowing he would scare the hell out of them.  I wonder why he doesn't visit me more often.  Is he busy over there?  Is there some kind of a 2-year life review going on?   If there is, then what?  Does he graduate? 

I hope, in some future dream, he lets me know that he's truly happy.  Without me.  I'd be ok with that. 

Men

One of my online widow friends told me she has found a new love.  She's making plans to spend more time with him and I'm happy for her.

Snow was forecasted for today.  Crazy for October...and with the leaves still on the trees, the men in town all seem to be outside with lawnmowers and rakes.  A good idea to pick up the leaves from the ground before they become soaked and covered...making for a nice mess in the spring.

The house across the street from me was sold this week.  The elderly woman who lived there moved out and for the last few days, the new owner has been diligently working there with his friends.  Trucks are lined up in the driveway and in the street.  Large, heavy materials are being removed from the house...and other large, heavy materials are being brought in.

Today, I'm emotional because...well...I don't have any of that.  Anymore.

In the Rearview Mirror or Life at 23 Months

Two years ago, on this date, I had no idea that the train would be put in motion in only 4 days.  I had no idea that, in exactly one month, my life would explode and send me into a surreal existence.

When I look back on the first year, I wonder how I survived.  My kids and my friends were my "saving grace."  Without them, I am sure I would have died.  At the time, it would have been easy to crawl into bed and never get up again.  Everything was a challenge...work, cooking, laundry.  Then there were house issues, car problems, and freakin snow up the wazoo.  There was Mary's health after the accident, mom's deteriorating mind, and a job I no longer fit into.  Looking back now, I know I was just putting one foot in front of the other.  I didn't feel like I had a future, only that somehow, in some way, I was moving forward. 

When I look back now, I think of that time (from October 30 to November 26) as a huge explosion, after which my world turned into a thick, black cloud.  With every little step I took in that forward motion, I began walking out of the blackness.  First into a heavy gray fog.  Then into a fog where I could begin to see little flashes of light, kind of like headlights coming at you on a foggy morning.  It helped to have things or days to look forward to.  Wine Nights with the Ladies, Mini vacations with the kids, and Saturday night dinners with friends made me feel like I still had something to live for.

In the second year, I found myself wondering what I was going to do for the rest of my life.  At around 17 or 18 months, I felt the pull backwards and started to wonder if I was ever going to feel better.  The fog was still there, only it felt like I was half in and half out.  I imagine, in a portrait, it would be of a woman coming out of a dark cloud, arms outstretched, with the fog hanging off of her arms.

So, today is 23 months.  The sun shines a lot in my life these days.  I'm mostly happy and grateful for the people in my life.  It rains every now and then, and the fog rolls in once in awhile.  But, today, I'm good.

A Walk would be Nice

That's what I miss right now.  Mike and I used to walk almost every night.  Me and him.  We walked in the rain the night before he died.  I miss having that connection to someone that I can walk with and share stuff that we wouldn't share with anyone else.  We walked through trouble with the kids, job losses, health issues with our parents, sadness, anger, and happiness.  In many ways, it kept us strong as a couple.

Now, I'd like to walk for my health.  But, I don't like to walk alone.  So, I'm going to drag out the old treadmill and see if I can figure out a place where I can set it up and actually put it to good use...and not as a clothes hanger.

Me & God

I said earlier this year that one of my goals was to find God.  Just to let you know...I'm still looking.