I am a huge "Organic" freak. At the very least, I want my food, my home, and my body to be as natural as possible. I shop for groceries at farmer's markets and the local farm stands. I make my own body products. I make my own cleaning supplies (or buy the "green" stuff when I'm really lazy). What feels a little "off" in my life is working part-time in the financial services industry.
A few days ago, I started working another part-time position in a small, local health food store. I feel like I am finally starting to move in the direction that I am intended to go. It just feels right. I still have the part-time financial services job, but it too is turning into something else.
A few days ago, while working in the financial services position, I called a client to see if he would like to come in for a portfolio review. His wife told me that he had just passed away. ugh. To the gut. It then struck me that, in that position, I am helping widows and widowers. I can help them walk through the financial mess...the paperwork...and maybe provide them with the first glimpse of that flash of light. Maybe.
My life feels pretty good right now. On purpose. I really like that.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
August 31, 1974
The year we were married...38 years ago. Still weird to think we aren't together. So, onward I go.
I was offered a new job yesterday working for a small natural health store. I've already said yes to the job. Now I just have to find a way to let my "other" boss know that I'm leaving. I feel bad. I like him. Just not crazy about financial services. I want to put my new education to use and this fits me perfectly.
And, then....there's mom. She's still with me. Quite the little drama queen.
I've been parking at the front of the house when I get home from work. This allows me to come in the front door without her noticing that I'm home. Then, I can take a little breather before starting my second, all-time job with her. Yesterday she asked Jenny (my daughter-in-law) who was in the house because my car wasn't there. Jenny told her I was home, but my car was being used by my son. She told Jenny that I park out front so she won't know when I'm home. She's on to me.
Today she told Catie (her care worker) that I have people take her out to lunch so we can party here without her. Ok...a little over the top, but may be worth the consideration.
I was offered a new job yesterday working for a small natural health store. I've already said yes to the job. Now I just have to find a way to let my "other" boss know that I'm leaving. I feel bad. I like him. Just not crazy about financial services. I want to put my new education to use and this fits me perfectly.
And, then....there's mom. She's still with me. Quite the little drama queen.
I've been parking at the front of the house when I get home from work. This allows me to come in the front door without her noticing that I'm home. Then, I can take a little breather before starting my second, all-time job with her. Yesterday she asked Jenny (my daughter-in-law) who was in the house because my car wasn't there. Jenny told her I was home, but my car was being used by my son. She told Jenny that I park out front so she won't know when I'm home. She's on to me.
Today she told Catie (her care worker) that I have people take her out to lunch so we can party here without her. Ok...a little over the top, but may be worth the consideration.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Last Vacation
I'm just back from a mini-vacation to Lake George with my girls and granddaughters. We drove up to Lake George, NY on Friday morning and came back on Sunday afternoon. The last time I was there was with Mike...on the weekend after Thanksgiving...maybe 2006. Odd that it would be Thanksgiving weekend. Odder still that I didn't feel emotional at all. Oh, I thought about stuff...like here is the hotel we stayed at...here is where I walked in the morning...here is where we ate dinner. Without sadness.
What I felt instead was complete and utter joy. I was so happy to be with my girls and my "littles." I woke up every morning to the sound of the water lapping at the shore and the birds at the feeder outside my window. We went boating, and shopping, and suntanning. We ate fantastic meals and watched the sunset.
I felt joy! Happiness! Serenity! Peace! I'm living again. Finally.
What I felt instead was complete and utter joy. I was so happy to be with my girls and my "littles." I woke up every morning to the sound of the water lapping at the shore and the birds at the feeder outside my window. We went boating, and shopping, and suntanning. We ate fantastic meals and watched the sunset.
I felt joy! Happiness! Serenity! Peace! I'm living again. Finally.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Kevin Ambrose
Today is the funeral for Kevin Ambrose. I didn't know him, but my heart is sad.
Kevin was 55 years old - the same age Mike was when he died. Kevin was also a police officer in the City of Springfield, MA...killed by an enraged ex-boyfriend of a woman he was sent to protect. She was also shot, but as of today's date, will probably live. Lives somehow linked in a moment and changed forever, thereby changing those who loved them.
Kevin's wife, children, and grandchildren will live with the knowledge that he was a hero. I'm sure it will offer some consolation, but I'm thinking....not much. He may have died a public hero, but he was so much more than that to his family. It's the little things that will matter to them...family dinners, the grandkids birthdays, the holiday gatherings, having someone to talk to about your day, the morning routine.
Maybe I feel his death so much more because it is the same profession my daughter works in. Or maybe it's because, in spite of his hero status, he left behind a family who loved him and will miss him every day of their lives. And, I know what that feels like.
Kevin was 55 years old - the same age Mike was when he died. Kevin was also a police officer in the City of Springfield, MA...killed by an enraged ex-boyfriend of a woman he was sent to protect. She was also shot, but as of today's date, will probably live. Lives somehow linked in a moment and changed forever, thereby changing those who loved them.
Kevin's wife, children, and grandchildren will live with the knowledge that he was a hero. I'm sure it will offer some consolation, but I'm thinking....not much. He may have died a public hero, but he was so much more than that to his family. It's the little things that will matter to them...family dinners, the grandkids birthdays, the holiday gatherings, having someone to talk to about your day, the morning routine.
Maybe I feel his death so much more because it is the same profession my daughter works in. Or maybe it's because, in spite of his hero status, he left behind a family who loved him and will miss him every day of their lives. And, I know what that feels like.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Hot, Cold, and Lack of Sleep
Mom is always cold. She wants the electric heater in her bedroom. It's June. I tell her "When pigs or snow fly." She says she's awake at night because of the cold, so we've compromised. The electric blanket is my concession, 'cause one thing I know about is how "uncomfortable" lack of sleep can be.
After Mike died, it was months (like 24 of them) before I was able to sleep through the night. Over the last few months, I've made a few changes so the 2 a.m. wake up calls happen less often. Things like not eating after 7 p.m., no television or computer 1 hour before bed, and keeping my bedroom cool and dark all work pretty well. One thing that does not work well is having my little heat generator sleeping in my bed.
My daughter is a cop on the night shift. Her life partner sometimes works an overnight shift as well. This leaves my 8 year old granddaughter in my care...sleeping soundly next to me...while I write this blog at 4 a.m. The kid is a bed hogging furnace. What I should do is put her in bed with mom and shut off the electric blanket. Then maybe we'd all get some sleep.
After Mike died, it was months (like 24 of them) before I was able to sleep through the night. Over the last few months, I've made a few changes so the 2 a.m. wake up calls happen less often. Things like not eating after 7 p.m., no television or computer 1 hour before bed, and keeping my bedroom cool and dark all work pretty well. One thing that does not work well is having my little heat generator sleeping in my bed.
My daughter is a cop on the night shift. Her life partner sometimes works an overnight shift as well. This leaves my 8 year old granddaughter in my care...sleeping soundly next to me...while I write this blog at 4 a.m. The kid is a bed hogging furnace. What I should do is put her in bed with mom and shut off the electric blanket. Then maybe we'd all get some sleep.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Family (in the house)
Did I mention that mom is back with me? There is some kind of wierd logic in this world, but I can't imagine what it is. Mike is gone. Mom is not. Linda says she is pickled and smoked from years of drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. I have to agree. She keeps me amused and frustrated. I'm finding it harder to understand what she wants. She knows what she wants, but can't get the words out. A heater is a cushion and the waste basket is a book. Mike was her best friend. I wish he'd get his ass back here and help me out with this.
But, he won't be here any time soon. What I do have right now is another son and his family living here now. It's more than a full house with 4 adults and a 3-year old. I mean 3 adults and 2 children. Somehow, in this wierd, twisted life I live, the Universe knew I needed help. Dan is the oldest son...the one who took responsibility for staying with his sister after her accident and getting her back home. Having him here to help with this old house has been a real blessing. But what I really like is having 2 adults in the house that I can have a normal conversation with. And bitch to. I wonder what they say to each other about these 2 old ladies they are living with...the one who can't get the words out, and the one who has developed quite the potty mouth.
But, he won't be here any time soon. What I do have right now is another son and his family living here now. It's more than a full house with 4 adults and a 3-year old. I mean 3 adults and 2 children. Somehow, in this wierd, twisted life I live, the Universe knew I needed help. Dan is the oldest son...the one who took responsibility for staying with his sister after her accident and getting her back home. Having him here to help with this old house has been a real blessing. But what I really like is having 2 adults in the house that I can have a normal conversation with. And bitch to. I wonder what they say to each other about these 2 old ladies they are living with...the one who can't get the words out, and the one who has developed quite the potty mouth.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Just another Valentine's Day
Yesterday, on Facebook, a widowed friend of mine posted that she will be thinking of all of her widowed friends today. After that initial post, the widowed friends jumped on board wishing each other well, encouraging each other in ways that no one else could. Now, that's love.
Another friend of mine posted this: "Remember this: Saint Valentine's legend is that he encouraged his Christian brothers and sisters while they were being persecuted by sending a message of love to them, even while imprisoned. Valentine's day should be remembered as a day of caring and encouraging one another, not worrying about being single or with a lover. I challenge you today to reach out to that person you know is struggling in life and encourage them today in the Spirit of St. Valentine.... ♥"
On this Valentine's Day, I'm remembering the love I shared with Mike. I'm also reminding myself that there's still a lot of that left over for others.
Another friend of mine posted this: "Remember this: Saint Valentine's legend is that he encouraged his Christian brothers and sisters while they were being persecuted by sending a message of love to them, even while imprisoned. Valentine's day should be remembered as a day of caring and encouraging one another, not worrying about being single or with a lover. I challenge you today to reach out to that person you know is struggling in life and encourage them today in the Spirit of St. Valentine.... ♥"
On this Valentine's Day, I'm remembering the love I shared with Mike. I'm also reminding myself that there's still a lot of that left over for others.
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