Maybe if I nap enough...

I have to make some changes, and apparently I've decided avoidance is best. So I nap. A lot. Maybe it's actually depression. The thing is...I know that these changes are necessary for my long term emotional and financial health, but it's change. Another change. I don't want any more change dammit.

Money Money Money

I'm finding that many widows are in some pretty difficult financial situations. I don't have a lot of advice, but what I do have, I'm willing to share.

If you (or he) worked for a long period of time in a stable company, find out if they have a pension plan that you (or he) was eligible for. I was delighted to find out that I am currently eligible for 2 pensions with another one available to me when I turn 63. Now that there is some sexy money!

Contact the Social Security office. At the very least, you may be eligible for a one-time $255 distribution.

Sell stuff...online, garage sales, flea markets. If you have enough stuff and don't have the time or energy to do it yourself, find someone to do it for you. To start selling online, check out Ebay. The first 50 auction style listings per month are free.

Rent out space. Whether it's a room in your home or a garage for auto storage, the extra monthly income is pretty nice to get. Make sure you check references if you're renting out space in your own home. Also check to make sure you can legally do it. In my city, a special permit is required.

Upgrade your resume. Then, get it out there! Check out websites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com. Believe me...even if you haven't worked for awhile, you have skills. There are ways to build a knock-out resume whatever your work history looks like. If you struggle in this area, get help from someone in the business world (or you may be able to get help from a local college).

Of course, there are other ways to get the income rolling in...daycare, dog walking, cleaning services. The point is, start the ball rolling. The small steps lead to bigger ones and the small income...well, you get the picture.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now

I stayed at camp alone last night...the first time since the weekend after he died when I wrapped myself in his (still smelling of him) clothing and fell asleep. I didn't intend to stay there alone, but that's what happened anyways. When I realized that it would be me...alone...in the place where he died, I was a little apprehensive. I don't know what I thought would happen...maybe he'd come visit me in the place he loved best? Nope...just me and the mice.

I can't believe that, after 19 plus months, I'm still having these "firsts." "I should be used to this stuff by now" I say to myself. Isn't it time to sleep through the night? Isn't it time for the grief to go away? Shouldn't I be "finding myself" by now?

It kinda hit me at 3 a.m. I started dating him when I was 15. We were married for 35 years. "Finding myself" is not going to happen in 19 months. The kid who met and married the "bad boy" is not the same woman who raised him, and neither of them are the same woman who grieved his death. The woman who "gets used to this" will not be me.