The Major Birthday party that wasn't

On Monday, May 12, Mike would've turned 60.  He would not have been happy about it.  And I probably would have been a real ass and gave him a big party.  But the day passed.  No fanfare.  No phone calls.  And finally, early in the evening, I posted a little blip on Facebook.  That's it.  Happy 60th.

Quick One

Can I just say...I'm really tired of defining myself as widowed!  That's all.

Am I in Drive?

I'm well over the 3 year mark now and I still wonder if I've got myself in Drive or Neutral.  It's been slow going, I will admit.  When I look back, I'm sure that I've moved forward a lot...miles and miles forward.  But, I sometimes get stuck...like I put myself in Neutral and can't figure out how to get myself to move.  There is still so much I want for myself, and yet...he's not here.  So, I wonder if it's worth it to want more.  And of course it is!  

Lately these days, I find myself making lists.  Not of things to do or buy, but things that I love or want for myself.  Then, I tell myself that I'll start working on this stuff.  And I don't.  Because...well...he's not here.  

And yet, things are still working out.  Every time I make a small change, it causes a ripple.  Leaving a job that no longer served me allowed me to work more in a job that makes me feel like I'm "on purpose".  And that job opened up to additional responsibilities with more money.  Every little positive change keeps me moving forward.  Little steps.  Little changes.  Miles and Miles forward over time.  

Letting Go

It's said that we are at the end of an eclipse season here on earth.  It has been of time of letting go to allow the new to enter.  I sure have been letting go of pieces of my life lately.  And I really hope the new stuff will be spectacular.

In the last 2 months, I quit the financial services job, sold my camper and let go of camp, mom moved back to my sister's, and my son and his family moved out.  It's been a wild and crazy ride, but I'm ready for whatever comes next.  I'm just hoping it's going to be a mix of fun, laughter, serenity and peace.

Wow! I must be busy!

Six months since my last post.  Geez, time flies when you're having fun.

I have been on a quest to "find myself".  I think I'm doing pretty well.  I have been journaling a lot, taking courses for certification in the natural health fields, eating for health (and lost almost 10 pounds in the process), and quit the job in financial services (in spite of it being the better paycheck).  Mom will be moving back to my sisters (she comes and goes like the wind), and I'm still looking for God.

At some point, I'll get around to making some changes with this blog, but for now, I like short and sweet.

Am I happy yet?

A few weeks ago, I started taking my version of depression meds...Sam-e.  I wasn't sure those little tinfoil wrapped, enteric coated tablets would do much, but I'm pretty sure they are doing the job.

I'm just days away from the 3 year Thanksgiving anniversary of Mike's death.  And I'm ok.  In fact, I really am grateful these days:

• For my kids who put off their own grief so they could (in my mind) wrap me in bubble wrap so I wouldn't hurt myself in MY grief.  They never left my side.  They cried with me, hugged me when I collapsed on the floor, and let me cry/scream/bitch whenever the mood struck (which...well you get it).
• For our friends.  Some were with me within minutes of my phone call.  Some came later, and stayed with me for days and some for weeks.
• For my dogs (who get me out of the house whether I like it or not).
• For my adorable grandkids.  No explanation required.
• For Facebook (yup, I mean it).
• For Wine!  Hey.  Whatever works.

There's so much more, and my list could go on and on.  But, I'll spare you.  :)

New York City Marathon

I know this is not a running blog, but I was supposed to be going to New York City tomorrow...and now I'm not.   My youngest daughter, Kim, was going to run.  She trained hard.  Really Really Hard.  And she was ready.  Then Hurricane Sandy hit.

Kim debated for most of the week.  She hoped it would be called off.  But, as of this morning, it was still a go.  So, she made the decision to pull out.  She realized that she was not going to be proud to say she raced.   Not this year.  I was pretty proud of her for making that decision.  It couldn't have been easy.  Then, Mayor Bloomberg made the decision to cancel the race altogether.  Thankfully.

Mayor Bloomberg may have thought the race would be a good thing for the City.  He cited the fact that the race still went on after the September 11, 2001 attack.  But, on that day, we had a common enemy...one who was directly responsible for the devastation.  We could all galvanize behind that.  We could show them that they couldn't win.  Not only would New York bounce back but so would America.  We would prove it!  This time, there is no enemy.  There is no one to blame and nothing to prove.

One thing I know from loss is that you look for someone or something to blame.  If the marathon had gone on, it (and the runners) could have been blamed for hindering the recovery.  And that would have damned the NYC Marathon for years to come.