Men

One of my online widow friends told me she has found a new love.  She's making plans to spend more time with him and I'm happy for her.

Snow was forecasted for today.  Crazy for October...and with the leaves still on the trees, the men in town all seem to be outside with lawnmowers and rakes.  A good idea to pick up the leaves from the ground before they become soaked and covered...making for a nice mess in the spring.

The house across the street from me was sold this week.  The elderly woman who lived there moved out and for the last few days, the new owner has been diligently working there with his friends.  Trucks are lined up in the driveway and in the street.  Large, heavy materials are being removed from the house...and other large, heavy materials are being brought in.

Today, I'm emotional because...well...I don't have any of that.  Anymore.

In the Rearview Mirror or Life at 23 Months

Two years ago, on this date, I had no idea that the train would be put in motion in only 4 days.  I had no idea that, in exactly one month, my life would explode and send me into a surreal existence.

When I look back on the first year, I wonder how I survived.  My kids and my friends were my "saving grace."  Without them, I am sure I would have died.  At the time, it would have been easy to crawl into bed and never get up again.  Everything was a challenge...work, cooking, laundry.  Then there were house issues, car problems, and freakin snow up the wazoo.  There was Mary's health after the accident, mom's deteriorating mind, and a job I no longer fit into.  Looking back now, I know I was just putting one foot in front of the other.  I didn't feel like I had a future, only that somehow, in some way, I was moving forward. 

When I look back now, I think of that time (from October 30 to November 26) as a huge explosion, after which my world turned into a thick, black cloud.  With every little step I took in that forward motion, I began walking out of the blackness.  First into a heavy gray fog.  Then into a fog where I could begin to see little flashes of light, kind of like headlights coming at you on a foggy morning.  It helped to have things or days to look forward to.  Wine Nights with the Ladies, Mini vacations with the kids, and Saturday night dinners with friends made me feel like I still had something to live for.

In the second year, I found myself wondering what I was going to do for the rest of my life.  At around 17 or 18 months, I felt the pull backwards and started to wonder if I was ever going to feel better.  The fog was still there, only it felt like I was half in and half out.  I imagine, in a portrait, it would be of a woman coming out of a dark cloud, arms outstretched, with the fog hanging off of her arms.

So, today is 23 months.  The sun shines a lot in my life these days.  I'm mostly happy and grateful for the people in my life.  It rains every now and then, and the fog rolls in once in awhile.  But, today, I'm good.

A Walk would be Nice

That's what I miss right now.  Mike and I used to walk almost every night.  Me and him.  We walked in the rain the night before he died.  I miss having that connection to someone that I can walk with and share stuff that we wouldn't share with anyone else.  We walked through trouble with the kids, job losses, health issues with our parents, sadness, anger, and happiness.  In many ways, it kept us strong as a couple.

Now, I'd like to walk for my health.  But, I don't like to walk alone.  So, I'm going to drag out the old treadmill and see if I can figure out a place where I can set it up and actually put it to good use...and not as a clothes hanger.

Me & God

I said earlier this year that one of my goals was to find God.  Just to let you know...I'm still looking.

So, This is It?

This summer, I met a guy at camp.  He's also widowed and we spent a couple of evenings doing stuff together.  I think we both enjoyed the company.  He travels around the country working in campgrounds...no home, no worries, no roots.  Last month, he took off (alone) for the promise of warmer weather with a stop on the way to visit family.   He posts pictures of the places he visits (and he's a fantastic photographer).  And I wonder...am I missing something?

Here I am, living in an old house (needing work), putting in my time at work, and living in the same town I was born in...close by kids (hell, one of them still lives in this old house), mom (yup, she's here too), grandkids, dogs, and friends.  Nope.  I'm not missing anything (except maybe a smile from the other side of the table).  

The Dark Time of the Year

I always loved Fall. The month of October was my favorite...until 2009. Not because it was the month Mike died, but because it felt like the beginning of the end.

Well, I've decided that it's ok to still love October. Brilliant colors, pumpkin pie, honey crisp apples, little ones in costume, and the feeling of magic in the air...I love it. Again.