Wednesday, October 26, 2011

In the Rearview Mirror or Life at 23 Months

Two years ago, on this date, I had no idea that the train would be put in motion in only 4 days.  I had no idea that, in exactly one month, my life would explode and send me into a surreal existence.

When I look back on the first year, I wonder how I survived.  My kids and my friends were my "saving grace."  Without them, I am sure I would have died.  At the time, it would have been easy to crawl into bed and never get up again.  Everything was a, cooking, laundry.  Then there were house issues, car problems, and freakin snow up the wazoo.  There was Mary's health after the accident, mom's deteriorating mind, and a job I no longer fit into.  Looking back now, I know I was just putting one foot in front of the other.  I didn't feel like I had a future, only that somehow, in some way, I was moving forward. 

When I look back now, I think of that time (from October 30 to November 26) as a huge explosion, after which my world turned into a thick, black cloud.  With every little step I took in that forward motion, I began walking out of the blackness.  First into a heavy gray fog.  Then into a fog where I could begin to see little flashes of light, kind of like headlights coming at you on a foggy morning.  It helped to have things or days to look forward to.  Wine Nights with the Ladies, Mini vacations with the kids, and Saturday night dinners with friends made me feel like I still had something to live for.

In the second year, I found myself wondering what I was going to do for the rest of my life.  At around 17 or 18 months, I felt the pull backwards and started to wonder if I was ever going to feel better.  The fog was still there, only it felt like I was half in and half out.  I imagine, in a portrait, it would be of a woman coming out of a dark cloud, arms outstretched, with the fog hanging off of her arms.

So, today is 23 months.  The sun shines a lot in my life these days.  I'm mostly happy and grateful for the people in my life.  It rains every now and then, and the fog rolls in once in awhile.  But, today, I'm good.

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