From the Other Side of the Lens

Mom moved back in with me. It's a long story and one I really don't want to post on the internet. So...

Today we watched a video from Mom & Dads 50th Wedding Anniversary...16 years ago. Mike was still alive, my dad was alive, aunts/uncles/cousins still alive. The party was held one week after my uncle Tony passed away. His wife (my Aunt Rose - the spectacular aunt from another post) was there. One week after he passed. My God. She looked so sad in the video. Regal. But sad.

I remember very little of the day itself. But there I was on video. Proof that I had, in some way, participated. I wish I had paid more attention. To the man across the table from me (Mike). To cousins Gina & Lou. To Uncle Carl & Charlie. To Aunt Sue & Kay & Rose. To my dad.

Some day my kids will watch videos of our family. I hope they see the same things in me that I saw today in my family. They embraced life and each other. Even in grief.

words

I'm at a loss for them. The ex-husband of a friend passed away this week. It had been a long marriage, but one of much trouble. Even his relationship with his own son was somewhat strained. I find myself sad for a man that I didn't really know.

The only thing we are leaving here with is love...the love we felt for others and the love they felt for us. That's it. I know Mike has it in abundance wherever he is. His time here mattered. For all of that, I am grateful.

The friend has been remarried for quite a few years now to a man who truly is her match (made in heaven kind of stuff). I'm happy that she finally has the kind of eternal love that she deserves. I hope there is a loving God who will wrap her sons father in the same kind of love. Eternity is a very long time.

Maybe if I nap enough...

I have to make some changes, and apparently I've decided avoidance is best. So I nap. A lot. Maybe it's actually depression. The thing is...I know that these changes are necessary for my long term emotional and financial health, but it's change. Another change. I don't want any more change dammit.

Money Money Money

I'm finding that many widows are in some pretty difficult financial situations. I don't have a lot of advice, but what I do have, I'm willing to share.

If you (or he) worked for a long period of time in a stable company, find out if they have a pension plan that you (or he) was eligible for. I was delighted to find out that I am currently eligible for 2 pensions with another one available to me when I turn 63. Now that there is some sexy money!

Contact the Social Security office. At the very least, you may be eligible for a one-time $255 distribution.

Sell stuff...online, garage sales, flea markets. If you have enough stuff and don't have the time or energy to do it yourself, find someone to do it for you. To start selling online, check out Ebay. The first 50 auction style listings per month are free.

Rent out space. Whether it's a room in your home or a garage for auto storage, the extra monthly income is pretty nice to get. Make sure you check references if you're renting out space in your own home. Also check to make sure you can legally do it. In my city, a special permit is required.

Upgrade your resume. Then, get it out there! Check out websites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com. Believe me...even if you haven't worked for awhile, you have skills. There are ways to build a knock-out resume whatever your work history looks like. If you struggle in this area, get help from someone in the business world (or you may be able to get help from a local college).

Of course, there are other ways to get the income rolling in...daycare, dog walking, cleaning services. The point is, start the ball rolling. The small steps lead to bigger ones and the small income...well, you get the picture.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now

I stayed at camp alone last night...the first time since the weekend after he died when I wrapped myself in his (still smelling of him) clothing and fell asleep. I didn't intend to stay there alone, but that's what happened anyways. When I realized that it would be me...alone...in the place where he died, I was a little apprehensive. I don't know what I thought would happen...maybe he'd come visit me in the place he loved best? Nope...just me and the mice.

I can't believe that, after 19 plus months, I'm still having these "firsts." "I should be used to this stuff by now" I say to myself. Isn't it time to sleep through the night? Isn't it time for the grief to go away? Shouldn't I be "finding myself" by now?

It kinda hit me at 3 a.m. I started dating him when I was 15. We were married for 35 years. "Finding myself" is not going to happen in 19 months. The kid who met and married the "bad boy" is not the same woman who raised him, and neither of them are the same woman who grieved his death. The woman who "gets used to this" will not be me.

Finances, Insurance Money, Stuff, and Family

I find myself in amazement when I read some of the stuff that widows (and some widowers) go through with friends and family after a spouse dies. People come swooping in making the widowed feel guilty...for them! They want stuff that belonged to the dead or they think the insurance money is some kind of windfall that should be shared. Most of the widowed are not ready to part with anything...shock and denial make it almost impossible to even think straight.

Here's the thing. It's no longer "his" stuff...it's yours...by default. No one has the right to take anything unless it was on loan to the person who died. And about that insurance money...he/she is dead and gone...and so is the financial support for your household. That means whatever insurance money you receive is not up for grabs. You will need it to cover current and future expenses. I don't care how much you care about them or trust them. If they can't get a loan from a bank for the trouble they're in, they are a credit risk to you too. If they don't pay it back, you will become resentful...and if you need the money later...you are screwed.

Believe me....been there, done that. It ain't pretty.

Father's Day...Here we go again.

Father's Day used to stress me out. I never knew what to get my dad...never knew what to get Mike either. They were guys who would just prefer to get whatever they wanted when they wanted it. So, for Mike, I always stuck with the staples...meaning he had more socks and underwear than I cared to wash.

So, now what? This will be my second Father's Day without Mike. It's bothering me...a lot. Maybe these "special" days will always be like this.

I'm thinking Sunday will be a good day for sun, pool, and beer. Not in that order.