Depression and Happy Pills

Lately, my mood has been pretty dark.  I don't know if I'm still recovering from an illness I had recently or if it's something more sinister.  I've been missing my old life a lot, and wondering how I can possibly sustain the stressful one I'm living.  I know I did it to myself.  Having mom living with me and feeling a huge financial burden are not making things easier.

I used to think that you could "talk yourself out of it".  My journal shows that I've been trying to do that for weeks now...listing all the things I'm grateful for, things that make me happy, all love and flowers.  And I'm still feeling a smallness in my life.  I don't like it.

I've mentioned before that I don't much like medical intervention with prescription pills, so I'm trying something that worked before.  SAM-e.  I've tried St. John's Wort only to find myself needing more sleep and feeling very drowsy during the day.  Today is Day 2 on my version of Happy Pills.  Too soon to tell if they'll help.  I'll keep you posted.  

Binders Full of Women

Ok, I know this is a blog about life after being widowed, but I still do stuff like vote.  I'm having a really hard time wrapping my little brain around this quote (and a few others).  We're talking inequality in the workplace...he is talking dinner.

Former Governor Romney stated that women need flexible schedules so they can be with their families and make dinner.  He knows there are good women out there, 'cause he had Binders Full of Women.  He recognized that "if women were going to be in the workplace" they need flexible schedules.  Yeah.  That's what women need.  Let's not worry our pretty little heads about real economic issues or the fact that most working families need real pay so they can pay for those pesky little things like the mortgage, food, and utilities.  

I have to wonder, especially coming on the heels of his 47% comment, where the hell he has been living.  Certainly not in my poor ass world.

Sick Days

Today I feel like a steamship has taken up residence in my head...riding the waves of the ocean in a storm.  Yup...that bad.  So, I'll be calling out sick.

I'm paid hourly, so no work...no pay.  I never worried about stuff like that 3 years ago.  I had a back-up plan named Mike.

This widow thing is a pretty weird way of living.  On one hand, it's kind of fun to be calling the shots.  On the other hand, it's unnerving to be calling the shots.  I guess I just need to find another back-up plan.  One without a name.

Date? um....Let me think about that.

I guess my first thought on this is....seriously?  who cares.  But, then I also have concerns about dating soon into the grieving process. 

When you start dating, people who have not gone through the whole life devastation thing, think that you're over it.  Like losing a beta fish or something.  So, the real issue, (for me anyways) is that the support you need during the grieving process turns into something else.  Rah Rah and WooHoo kind of stuff.  And maybe that's what we need, but I think not.  I know I wanted a listening ear and gentle hands to help do the stuff that I was just unable to do while I learned how to live a totally different life.

And I worry that, should the new dating relationship come to an abrupt end, and the grieving still needs to be done, is the support still there?  I don't know.  And further more, I don't know when or if the grieving ends.  So, feel free to date when you're ready.  Just know that I won't be Rah Rah and WooHoo for you unless you absolutely want me to.  ;) 

What I Do Now

I am a huge "Organic" freak.  At the very least, I want my food, my home, and my body to be as natural as possible.  I shop for groceries at farmer's markets and the local farm stands.  I make my own body products.  I make my own cleaning supplies (or buy the "green" stuff when I'm really lazy).  What feels a little "off" in my life is working part-time in the financial services industry.

A few days ago, I started working another part-time position in a small, local health food store.  I feel like I am finally starting to move in the direction that I am intended to go.  It just feels right.  I still have the part-time financial services job, but it too is turning into something else.

A few days ago, while working in the financial services position, I called a client to see if he would like to come in for a portfolio review.  His wife told me that he had just passed away.  ugh.  To the gut.  It then struck me that, in that position, I am helping widows and widowers.  I can help them walk through the financial mess...the paperwork...and maybe provide them with the first glimpse of that flash of light.  Maybe.

My life feels pretty good right now.  On purpose.   I really like that.

August 31, 1974

The year we were married...38 years ago.  Still weird to think we aren't together.  So, onward I go.

I was offered a new job yesterday working for a small natural health store.  I've already said yes to the job.  Now I just have to find a way to let my "other" boss know that I'm leaving.  I feel bad.  I like him.  Just not crazy about financial services.  I want to put my new education to use and this fits me perfectly.

And, then....there's mom.  She's still with me.  Quite the little drama queen. 

I've been parking at the front of the house when I get home from work. This allows me to come in the front door without her noticing that I'm home.  Then, I can take a little breather before starting my second, all-time job with her.  Yesterday she asked Jenny (my daughter-in-law) who was in the house because my car wasn't there.  Jenny told her I was home, but my car was being used by my son.  She told Jenny that I park out front so she won't know when I'm home.  She's on to me.

Today she told Catie (her care worker) that I have people take her out to lunch so we can party here without her.  Ok...a little over the top, but may be worth the consideration.

The Last Vacation

I'm just back from a mini-vacation to Lake George with my girls and granddaughters.  We drove up to Lake George, NY on Friday morning and came back on Sunday afternoon.  The last time I was there was with Mike...on the weekend after Thanksgiving...maybe 2006.   Odd that it would be Thanksgiving weekend.  Odder still that I didn't feel emotional at all.  Oh, I thought about stuff...like here is the hotel we stayed at...here is where I walked in the morning...here is where we ate dinner.  Without sadness.

  

What I felt instead was complete and utter joy.  I was so happy to be with my girls and my "littles."  I woke up every morning to the sound of the water lapping at the shore and the birds at the feeder outside my window.  We went boating, and shopping, and suntanning.  We ate fantastic meals and watched the sunset.

I felt joy!  Happiness!  Serenity!  Peace!  I'm living again.  Finally.