I'm Here for You

"I'm here for you". Oh, if I had a dollar for every time that was said to me...in emails, on facebook, or over the phone.

That has got to be the most annoying statement anyone can make. Obviously, if the statement is being made any place other than to your face, the person stating it is not "here for you."

The one I get the biggest kick out of is the one that was said by a very close family member. It goes something like this (to another family member): "I feel so bad for her. I won't go there now, but I will be there when she REALLY needs me." Huh? My husband just died...on Thanksgiving...my daughter is brain damaged in a hospital across the country...and you're going to wait until I REALLY need you? Seriously...dumb ass.

The First Night

I finally did it...stayed overnight at camp. Of course, I wasn't about to do that all by myself...so my son Jason and his family stayed with me. It was odd. I spent most of the time choking down the tears and expected to see Mike everytime I turned a corner. This makes it real. He's gone and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. The people who camp there on a regular basis were so nice. Did that make it better? I don't know. Nothing makes it better I guess.

I brought Mike's ashes up there with me. Not sure why...only that he loved it there. I will need to make a decision on what to do with those ashes at some point. For now, he can stay there...in the place that he loved.

I'm tired...and feel totally disengaged from life.

Opening Weekend

I finally went back to camp today. Oh, it was so hard. The minute I opened the door and saw the eyeglasses still on the table, I totally broke down.

I am overwhelmed. I used to go up there to find everything already done. All I had to do was get the groceries. I never paid any attention to the things Mike did to get the camper open for the season. I'm paying for it now.

In 3 days, it will be 5 months. Sigh.

Friends

I am on facebook...like everyone else in the world I guess.

Anyways, I now have my mom living with me. She is in the beginning stages of alzheimers, and I know things are going to get very bad. Right now though...things are kind of funny.
Some of the stuff she says and does are outright hilarious, so I have posted a few of them for my friends to see. Now, I am not one who just friend requests everyone and I'm pretty selective in who I accept as a friend. Unfortunately, I may have erred in a couple of choices.

Apparently, some people feel the need to tell me their opinion of me on facebook for all to see. I have been told that some of the things I post are disrespectful. Well, guess what? I am my mother's daughter and Be Warned: I am not necessarily nice these days.

I have no patience for people who judge. Open your doors so we can all see how you're living.

Camp

Two days after Mike died, I went back to camp. It was very early on that Saturday morning (4 a.m.) and absolutely no one was around. I spent a couple of hours that morning, wrapped in his shirts, his baseball cap on my head, crying, sleeping fitfully in the bed he died in. The following day, I went back with my kids so we could take stuff home for the winter. I haven't been back since.

Camp officially opens in 2 weeks. It was our home away from home. I don't want to give it up, but I'm afraid of the intensity. The grandkids love it there. Our friends are there.

I don't remember what we took home. I don't remember if we cleaned out cabinets. How will I feel if I find his toothbrush? How does the awning work? How does anything work? He took care of that stuff. I used to look forward to this time of year.

I'm thinking I may go back sometime this weekend. Or not.

Easter

Put on the happy face for the kids and grandkids today, then came home and cried for over an hour. It probably didn't help that mom didn't want to go out and was totally confused when I got home.

I miss Mike so much. It's hard to believe that I will not see him again for the rest of my life. Holidays are so hard.

Searching

I've always been a Searcher...looking for meaning, purpose, dreams to answer to. It's harder now. I want to move on...from the feeling of aloneness, from the care of others, from the job that holds me hostage.

It seems I'm never satisfied. After Mary was injured in the car accident, I felt as if I was wrapped in a dark fog. I was totally focused on what ifs...and how to's. If only I'd known that I only had less than a month to spend time with Mike. I would have forced myself to appreciate what I still had..however fleeting.

Next week, I will be going back to "the job", at least for a short while...or maybe a long while. I don't want to. I saw an interview with Po Bronson (author). In the presentation, he mentioned that people ask themselves "Will this make me happy?" What they should be asking is "Will this make me fulfilled?" Will the job make me happy? Well, the money is pretty good. Will this job make me fulfilled? Hell no.