Six months

Yesterday was 6 months since Mike died. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a lifetime. I was ok. As a matter of fact, I was feeling pretty grateful.

Something happened yesterday morning that made me realize that not too many people are as fortunate as I have been. A friend's husband was having a very public discussion with her and it wasn't very nice. I will say this...Mike would never ever ever not in a million years have put me out on public display the way her husband did. We would have worked it out together.

I listen to people complain about huge marital problems and I am grateful. Oh, we definitely had our problems...especially early in our marriage. Some of them were pretty darn serious, but we worked them through. In the end, he was my best friend, and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. Today, I'm ok.

The New Widow 2

Last Sunday, Kim and I went out to lunch with the new widow I mentioned in an earlier blog and her son. We drove 1.25 miles each way. After our lunch, she seemed calmer...and had decided to put her own needs first instead of worrying about her late husband's family. I feel like we scored on that one.

Anyways, I called her again this week to check on her. Her pain is palpable. I can feel it in her voice. Her son is wonderful to her, and yet I can't help thinking about how much better I have it. I can't even believe I said that.

My kids did not leave me for a minute. When I came home from work and thew myself across the bed to cry, my son came in the room and hugged me. When I was having a bad day, my daughters Meg and Kim would take me out on a "pointless cruise." When I felt totally overwhelmed from Mike's death and caretaking for Mary's family, I moved in with Kim and left Meg to tend to the caretaking of her sister. Dan and Jason both went out to Oregon to get Mary and her kids. I didn't have to lift a finger.

I can't imagine going through that without my kids. The "new widow" also has a son, but there's only so much one person can do. She worries about the holidays because now it's just the two of them. I sure don't have to worry about that....and my kids don't know it yet....but I invited them to spend the holidays with us.

Puppies

Like I don't have enough craziness in my life already...yesterday I went to look at Golden Retriever puppies. On June 2, I will have two of them...Mikey and Timmy.

Of course, the name Mikey is for Mike. Tim was Mike's best friend....and you can't have a Mikey without a Timmy in my world.

Now that I'm home

So...now that I'm no longer working, I've been home with mom. Do you know that these stupid soap operas are like watching a bad musical? I really don't know why anyone would want to get sucked into these tv shows that are all drama anyways...add bad music to the mix and it's just too much to take.

What Do I Want to do with the Rest of My Life

Interesting question...'cause I now have the opportunity to do a little searching. I read a thought-provoking comment, based on the movie Groundhog Day. If you had to live today over and over again, would you be pissed off or would you be perfectly ok with that? hmmm.

I guess, for me, it isn't going to be about the job. I'm all set with that for a while. At some point I'll be looking, but not yet.

It's about success...what I think success is anyways. It may not be what anyone else thinks it is. For me, success is about loving relationships, having fun, family, friends, being healthy, having energy, laughter, a peaceful home, practicing my spirituality, and doing the things I love to do. If I get paid for any of that, all the better.

The things I am not willing to put with anymore are drama, being controlled (like I was at work), toxic people and things, and mostly "stupid." I'm sure some of the bubbles that have been popping in my life lately are due to these things that I no longer want in my life (although I still can't understand for the life of me why Mike had to die).

So, I'm ready to move forward. What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

and another bubble goes pop

I need to see this in writing. Wondering if I'm just being a big baby here.

I am a 2. At work. It means that I am a top performer in my department, in my company. Just days before Mike died, I had a "second" interview for a supervisor's position. After he died, I was told that although I was the top pick, they couldn't give me the job because my daughter worked in the same department as a manager.

Ok. Strike that.

After Mike died, I went on a leave of absence so I could deal with his death and take care of my daughter (the one who was brain damaged in the car accident) and her kids. While I was out, I notified my company that Mike's health insurance had been cancelled and I would like to go on their plan. Although the company told me it had been done, apparently no one told the health insurance provider. It took weeks to work that through.

Then, I was notified by letter that I had been terminated and was eligible for cobra.

A day later, I got a letter telling me the letter I got regarding the termination was a mistake. You couldn't have called me? hmm.

After I returned to work, I was asked if I would like to work in a job rotation with Workforce Management. I jumped at that opportunity because I'd done it before and really liked it. The position was open and I applied for the job. They were pretty up front with me and let me know that if a viable candidate applied for the job in the State of ND, they would hire the position there. Ayup...they got a viable candidate for the position in ND.

ok...strike that.

Shortly after I returned to my regular job in the call center, another position opened in Quality Assurance.

The hiring manager, knows me. She knows my work ethic...she knows I'm pretty good at what I do. I had 2 interviews for the open position. Then, three weeks went by without a word. Today I get an email from the HR department:

"Hello,

Thank you for your interest in the Quality Assurance Coordinator position.

____ believes that employees like you are our most valuable assets and that we will only benefit through your ongoing career development efforts. We have, however, selected someone else for the position whose qualifications more closely align with the job requirements."


Are you kidding me???? An email??? It was the last message in a series...that it's time to move on. So, I did. I am done.

Pop.

The new widow

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog.

A couple of days ago, I found out that one of the guys at work lost his dad suddenly. His mom is 59. I'm devastated for her. I remember the rip your guts out, stabbing heart kind of feeling of those first few days & weeks. He was back at work today. I wouldn't have known what to say or do before. Now I do...damn it. No one should have to join this stupid club.

I'm going to ask him to join me and my daughter for lunch...and to bring his mom. I'll ask him if he'd like to go one day this week and he can pick the day...and we will go there (an hour away)...and I'll treat. Then, I'm going to listen...and offer suggestions when asked...and listen...and listen...and listen.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. It is cold and windy, leftover crazy from yesterday....when the Universe seemed like it was in a total state of confusion. It rained, hailed, thunder and lightning, got cold, got very warm, and the sun would come out. Over and over...all day. Totally matched my state of mind.

I spent most of the weekend at camp. Friday was fun. We sat around the campfire...me, my kids, some of their friends, and some of my friends. Then Saturday came and I went into some type of crazy mind games. I had to come home to make sure mom was all set for the day and returned to camp around 3:00. Then my brain started to behave like the weather we were having. One minute, I was feeling happy and the next I was ready to cry. So, by 10:00 I'd had enough and drove home. Cried the whole way.

So, here we are...Mother's Day. It's not like Mike did all kinds of special stuff for me, but we usually went to the camp Mother's Day breakfast. Then, we'd just hang around. I am just so sad today.

Bubbles

I feel like I'm surrounded by bubbles. Each one represents my life choices...marriage, family, friends, career, spirituality, finances, leisure, fun, freedom.......

They are popping...like they've been pricked by a little needle. Some of the little bursts are things that I have no control over and some are things that I no longer want to have in my life. I find myself giving stuff away. I find myself letting go of people who do not have my best interest at heart. I find myself considering leaving my job, selling my home, and giving up camping.

I'm taking it one step at a time. I won't sell my home or give up camp yet. I'll give camping this year and next...after all, our friends are still there. The job, however, is another story. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else. I dislike the negative aspects of the job (and at least 50% is negative).

So, I'm taking another week off...thinking about things. We'll see.