Puppy Love and Loss

You may need to be a dog (or other animal) mommy or gandmom to understand the intensity of emotion behind this post.

It's been a hard week.  This is Fenway.  He was my grandpuppy.  He had a personality like no other and he insisted that everyone love him.  On Monday, my daughter had to put Fenway down.  He had a chronic illness and had been sick for years.  Before Mike died, he would go to Kim's house every day and let Fenway out.  Some days, he would take him up to camp and let him run free.  So, this death is also a reminder of Mike's.

The intensity of my emotions really shocked me.  I took 2 days off from work, but couldn't tell anyone why I needed the time off.  How do you tell your employer that you are sad because a dog you don't even own has passed away?

I worry that people will think of me as a drama queen.  Or not serious enough about my work.  Or mentally unstable.  And, this week, I have worried about all of these things myself.

What I do know is that I loved this boy intensely.  And I know that Mike was holding the leash and waiting for him on the other side.

Who gets to walk the Bride down the Aisle when Dad is Dead?

First of all, this was a spectacular day!  Our baby girl got married to a terrific guy in August.  We were all so happy.

And I was very very very emotional (there aren't enough very's in the world).  I felt Mike's presence.  He was there.  And he walked her down the aisle.  Figuratively.  Literally.

Our eldest son got the honor of walking his sister down the aisle.  The youngest son managed to sneak some of his dad's ashes into a ziplock bag and then into the pocket of the eldest.

Some people thought it was kind of sick.  You really need to be a widow to understand.

The Major Birthday party that wasn't

On Monday, May 12, Mike would've turned 60.  He would not have been happy about it.  And I probably would have been a real ass and gave him a big party.  But the day passed.  No fanfare.  No phone calls.  And finally, early in the evening, I posted a little blip on Facebook.  That's it.  Happy 60th.

Quick One

Can I just say...I'm really tired of defining myself as widowed!  That's all.

Am I in Drive?

I'm well over the 3 year mark now and I still wonder if I've got myself in Drive or Neutral.  It's been slow going, I will admit.  When I look back, I'm sure that I've moved forward a lot...miles and miles forward.  But, I sometimes get stuck...like I put myself in Neutral and can't figure out how to get myself to move.  There is still so much I want for myself, and yet...he's not here.  So, I wonder if it's worth it to want more.  And of course it is!  

Lately these days, I find myself making lists.  Not of things to do or buy, but things that I love or want for myself.  Then, I tell myself that I'll start working on this stuff.  And I don't.  Because...well...he's not here.  

And yet, things are still working out.  Every time I make a small change, it causes a ripple.  Leaving a job that no longer served me allowed me to work more in a job that makes me feel like I'm "on purpose".  And that job opened up to additional responsibilities with more money.  Every little positive change keeps me moving forward.  Little steps.  Little changes.  Miles and Miles forward over time.  

Letting Go

It's said that we are at the end of an eclipse season here on earth.  It has been of time of letting go to allow the new to enter.  I sure have been letting go of pieces of my life lately.  And I really hope the new stuff will be spectacular.

In the last 2 months, I quit the financial services job, sold my camper and let go of camp, mom moved back to my sister's, and my son and his family moved out.  It's been a wild and crazy ride, but I'm ready for whatever comes next.  I'm just hoping it's going to be a mix of fun, laughter, serenity and peace.

Wow! I must be busy!

Six months since my last post.  Geez, time flies when you're having fun.

I have been on a quest to "find myself".  I think I'm doing pretty well.  I have been journaling a lot, taking courses for certification in the natural health fields, eating for health (and lost almost 10 pounds in the process), and quit the job in financial services (in spite of it being the better paycheck).  Mom will be moving back to my sisters (she comes and goes like the wind), and I'm still looking for God.

At some point, I'll get around to making some changes with this blog, but for now, I like short and sweet.

Am I happy yet?

A few weeks ago, I started taking my version of depression meds...Sam-e.  I wasn't sure those little tinfoil wrapped, enteric coated tablets would do much, but I'm pretty sure they are doing the job.

I'm just days away from the 3 year Thanksgiving anniversary of Mike's death.  And I'm ok.  In fact, I really am grateful these days:

• For my kids who put off their own grief so they could (in my mind) wrap me in bubble wrap so I wouldn't hurt myself in MY grief.  They never left my side.  They cried with me, hugged me when I collapsed on the floor, and let me cry/scream/bitch whenever the mood struck (which...well you get it).
• For our friends.  Some were with me within minutes of my phone call.  Some came later, and stayed with me for days and some for weeks.
• For my dogs (who get me out of the house whether I like it or not).
• For my adorable grandkids.  No explanation required.
• For Facebook (yup, I mean it).
• For Wine!  Hey.  Whatever works.

There's so much more, and my list could go on and on.  But, I'll spare you.  :)

New York City Marathon

I know this is not a running blog, but I was supposed to be going to New York City tomorrow...and now I'm not.   My youngest daughter, Kim, was going to run.  She trained hard.  Really Really Hard.  And she was ready.  Then Hurricane Sandy hit.

Kim debated for most of the week.  She hoped it would be called off.  But, as of this morning, it was still a go.  So, she made the decision to pull out.  She realized that she was not going to be proud to say she raced.   Not this year.  I was pretty proud of her for making that decision.  It couldn't have been easy.  Then, Mayor Bloomberg made the decision to cancel the race altogether.  Thankfully.

Mayor Bloomberg may have thought the race would be a good thing for the City.  He cited the fact that the race still went on after the September 11, 2001 attack.  But, on that day, we had a common enemy...one who was directly responsible for the devastation.  We could all galvanize behind that.  We could show them that they couldn't win.  Not only would New York bounce back but so would America.  We would prove it!  This time, there is no enemy.  There is no one to blame and nothing to prove.

One thing I know from loss is that you look for someone or something to blame.  If the marathon had gone on, it (and the runners) could have been blamed for hindering the recovery.  And that would have damned the NYC Marathon for years to come.

Depression and Happy Pills

Lately, my mood has been pretty dark.  I don't know if I'm still recovering from an illness I had recently or if it's something more sinister.  I've been missing my old life a lot, and wondering how I can possibly sustain the stressful one I'm living.  I know I did it to myself.  Having mom living with me and feeling a huge financial burden are not making things easier.

I used to think that you could "talk yourself out of it".  My journal shows that I've been trying to do that for weeks now...listing all the things I'm grateful for, things that make me happy, all love and flowers.  And I'm still feeling a smallness in my life.  I don't like it.

I've mentioned before that I don't much like medical intervention with prescription pills, so I'm trying something that worked before.  SAM-e.  I've tried St. John's Wort only to find myself needing more sleep and feeling very drowsy during the day.  Today is Day 2 on my version of Happy Pills.  Too soon to tell if they'll help.  I'll keep you posted.  

Binders Full of Women

Ok, I know this is a blog about life after being widowed, but I still do stuff like vote.  I'm having a really hard time wrapping my little brain around this quote (and a few others).  We're talking inequality in the workplace...he is talking dinner.

Former Governor Romney stated that women need flexible schedules so they can be with their families and make dinner.  He knows there are good women out there, 'cause he had Binders Full of Women.  He recognized that "if women were going to be in the workplace" they need flexible schedules.  Yeah.  That's what women need.  Let's not worry our pretty little heads about real economic issues or the fact that most working families need real pay so they can pay for those pesky little things like the mortgage, food, and utilities.  

I have to wonder, especially coming on the heels of his 47% comment, where the hell he has been living.  Certainly not in my poor ass world.

Sick Days

Today I feel like a steamship has taken up residence in my head...riding the waves of the ocean in a storm.  Yup...that bad.  So, I'll be calling out sick.

I'm paid hourly, so no work...no pay.  I never worried about stuff like that 3 years ago.  I had a back-up plan named Mike.

This widow thing is a pretty weird way of living.  On one hand, it's kind of fun to be calling the shots.  On the other hand, it's unnerving to be calling the shots.  I guess I just need to find another back-up plan.  One without a name.

Date? um....Let me think about that.

I guess my first thought on this is....seriously?  who cares.  But, then I also have concerns about dating soon into the grieving process. 

When you start dating, people who have not gone through the whole life devastation thing, think that you're over it.  Like losing a beta fish or something.  So, the real issue, (for me anyways) is that the support you need during the grieving process turns into something else.  Rah Rah and WooHoo kind of stuff.  And maybe that's what we need, but I think not.  I know I wanted a listening ear and gentle hands to help do the stuff that I was just unable to do while I learned how to live a totally different life.

And I worry that, should the new dating relationship come to an abrupt end, and the grieving still needs to be done, is the support still there?  I don't know.  And further more, I don't know when or if the grieving ends.  So, feel free to date when you're ready.  Just know that I won't be Rah Rah and WooHoo for you unless you absolutely want me to.  ;) 

What I Do Now

I am a huge "Organic" freak.  At the very least, I want my food, my home, and my body to be as natural as possible.  I shop for groceries at farmer's markets and the local farm stands.  I make my own body products.  I make my own cleaning supplies (or buy the "green" stuff when I'm really lazy).  What feels a little "off" in my life is working part-time in the financial services industry.

A few days ago, I started working another part-time position in a small, local health food store.  I feel like I am finally starting to move in the direction that I am intended to go.  It just feels right.  I still have the part-time financial services job, but it too is turning into something else.

A few days ago, while working in the financial services position, I called a client to see if he would like to come in for a portfolio review.  His wife told me that he had just passed away.  ugh.  To the gut.  It then struck me that, in that position, I am helping widows and widowers.  I can help them walk through the financial mess...the paperwork...and maybe provide them with the first glimpse of that flash of light.  Maybe.

My life feels pretty good right now.  On purpose.   I really like that.

August 31, 1974

The year we were married...38 years ago.  Still weird to think we aren't together.  So, onward I go.

I was offered a new job yesterday working for a small natural health store.  I've already said yes to the job.  Now I just have to find a way to let my "other" boss know that I'm leaving.  I feel bad.  I like him.  Just not crazy about financial services.  I want to put my new education to use and this fits me perfectly.

And, then....there's mom.  She's still with me.  Quite the little drama queen. 

I've been parking at the front of the house when I get home from work. This allows me to come in the front door without her noticing that I'm home.  Then, I can take a little breather before starting my second, all-time job with her.  Yesterday she asked Jenny (my daughter-in-law) who was in the house because my car wasn't there.  Jenny told her I was home, but my car was being used by my son.  She told Jenny that I park out front so she won't know when I'm home.  She's on to me.

Today she told Catie (her care worker) that I have people take her out to lunch so we can party here without her.  Ok...a little over the top, but may be worth the consideration.

The Last Vacation

I'm just back from a mini-vacation to Lake George with my girls and granddaughters.  We drove up to Lake George, NY on Friday morning and came back on Sunday afternoon.  The last time I was there was with Mike...on the weekend after Thanksgiving...maybe 2006.   Odd that it would be Thanksgiving weekend.  Odder still that I didn't feel emotional at all.  Oh, I thought about stuff...like here is the hotel we stayed at...here is where I walked in the morning...here is where we ate dinner.  Without sadness.

  

What I felt instead was complete and utter joy.  I was so happy to be with my girls and my "littles."  I woke up every morning to the sound of the water lapping at the shore and the birds at the feeder outside my window.  We went boating, and shopping, and suntanning.  We ate fantastic meals and watched the sunset.

I felt joy!  Happiness!  Serenity!  Peace!  I'm living again.  Finally.

Kevin Ambrose

Today is the funeral for Kevin Ambrose.  I didn't know him, but my heart is sad.

Kevin was 55 years old - the same age Mike was when he died.  Kevin was also a police officer in the City of Springfield, MA...killed by an enraged ex-boyfriend of a woman he was sent to protect.  She was also shot, but as of today's date, will probably live.  Lives somehow linked in a moment and changed forever, thereby changing those who loved them.

Kevin's wife, children, and grandchildren will live with the knowledge that he was a hero.  I'm sure it will offer some consolation, but I'm thinking....not much.   He may have died a public hero, but he was so much more than that to his family.  It's the little things that will matter to them...family dinners, the grandkids birthdays, the holiday gatherings, having someone to talk to about your day, the morning routine.

Maybe I feel his death so much more because it is the same profession my daughter works in.  Or maybe it's because, in spite of his hero status, he left behind a family who loved him and will miss him every day of their lives.  And, I know what that feels like.

Hot, Cold, and Lack of Sleep

Mom is always cold.  She wants the electric heater in her bedroom.  It's June.  I tell her "When pigs or snow fly."  She says she's awake at night because of the cold, so we've compromised.  The electric blanket is my concession, 'cause one thing I know about is how "uncomfortable" lack of sleep can be.  

After Mike died, it was months (like 24 of them) before I was able to sleep through the night.  Over the last few months, I've made a few changes so the 2 a.m. wake up calls happen less often.  Things like not eating after 7 p.m., no television or computer 1 hour before bed, and keeping my bedroom cool and dark all work pretty well.  One thing that does not work well is having my little heat generator sleeping in my bed.

My daughter is a cop on the night shift.  Her life partner sometimes works an overnight shift as well.  This leaves my 8 year old granddaughter in my care...sleeping soundly next to me...while I write this blog at 4 a.m.  The kid is a bed hogging furnace.  What I should do is put her in bed with mom and shut off the electric blanket.  Then maybe we'd all get some sleep.



 

 

The Family (in the house)

Did I mention that mom is back with me?  There is some kind of wierd logic in this world, but I can't imagine what it is.  Mike is gone.  Mom is not.  Linda says she is pickled and smoked from years of drinking wine and smoking cigarettes.  I have to agree.  She keeps me amused and frustrated.  I'm finding it harder to understand what she wants.  She knows what she wants, but can't get the words out.  A heater is a cushion and the waste basket is a book.  Mike was her best friend.  I wish he'd get his ass back here and help me out with this.

But, he won't be here any time soon.  What I do have right now is another son and his family living here now.  It's more than a full house with 4 adults and a 3-year old.  I mean 3 adults and 2 children.  Somehow, in this wierd, twisted life I live, the Universe knew I needed help.  Dan is the oldest son...the one who took responsibility for staying with his sister after her accident and getting her back home.  Having him here to help with this old house has been a real blessing.  But what I really like is having 2 adults in the house that I can have a normal conversation with.  And bitch to.  I wonder what they say to each other about these 2 old ladies they are living with...the one who can't get the words out, and the one who has developed quite the potty mouth.

Just another Valentine's Day

Yesterday, on Facebook, a widowed friend of mine posted that she will be thinking of all of her widowed friends today.  After that initial post, the widowed friends jumped on board wishing each other well, encouraging each other in ways that no one else could.  Now, that's love.

Another friend of mine posted this:  "Remember this: Saint Valentine's legend is that he encouraged his Christian brothers and sisters while they were being persecuted by sending a message of love to them, even while imprisoned. Valentine's day should be remembered as a day of caring and encouraging one another, not worrying about being single or with a lover. I challenge you today to reach out to that person you know is struggling in life and encourage them today in the Spirit of St. Valentine.... ♥"

On this Valentine's Day, I'm remembering the love I shared with Mike.  I'm also reminding myself that there's still a lot of that left over for others.