and another bubble goes pop

I need to see this in writing. Wondering if I'm just being a big baby here.

I am a 2. At work. It means that I am a top performer in my department, in my company. Just days before Mike died, I had a "second" interview for a supervisor's position. After he died, I was told that although I was the top pick, they couldn't give me the job because my daughter worked in the same department as a manager.

Ok. Strike that.

After Mike died, I went on a leave of absence so I could deal with his death and take care of my daughter (the one who was brain damaged in the car accident) and her kids. While I was out, I notified my company that Mike's health insurance had been cancelled and I would like to go on their plan. Although the company told me it had been done, apparently no one told the health insurance provider. It took weeks to work that through.

Then, I was notified by letter that I had been terminated and was eligible for cobra.

A day later, I got a letter telling me the letter I got regarding the termination was a mistake. You couldn't have called me? hmm.

After I returned to work, I was asked if I would like to work in a job rotation with Workforce Management. I jumped at that opportunity because I'd done it before and really liked it. The position was open and I applied for the job. They were pretty up front with me and let me know that if a viable candidate applied for the job in the State of ND, they would hire the position there. Ayup...they got a viable candidate for the position in ND.

ok...strike that.

Shortly after I returned to my regular job in the call center, another position opened in Quality Assurance.

The hiring manager, knows me. She knows my work ethic...she knows I'm pretty good at what I do. I had 2 interviews for the open position. Then, three weeks went by without a word. Today I get an email from the HR department:

"Hello,

Thank you for your interest in the Quality Assurance Coordinator position.

____ believes that employees like you are our most valuable assets and that we will only benefit through your ongoing career development efforts. We have, however, selected someone else for the position whose qualifications more closely align with the job requirements."


Are you kidding me???? An email??? It was the last message in a series...that it's time to move on. So, I did. I am done.

Pop.

The new widow

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog.

A couple of days ago, I found out that one of the guys at work lost his dad suddenly. His mom is 59. I'm devastated for her. I remember the rip your guts out, stabbing heart kind of feeling of those first few days & weeks. He was back at work today. I wouldn't have known what to say or do before. Now I do...damn it. No one should have to join this stupid club.

I'm going to ask him to join me and my daughter for lunch...and to bring his mom. I'll ask him if he'd like to go one day this week and he can pick the day...and we will go there (an hour away)...and I'll treat. Then, I'm going to listen...and offer suggestions when asked...and listen...and listen...and listen.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. It is cold and windy, leftover crazy from yesterday....when the Universe seemed like it was in a total state of confusion. It rained, hailed, thunder and lightning, got cold, got very warm, and the sun would come out. Over and over...all day. Totally matched my state of mind.

I spent most of the weekend at camp. Friday was fun. We sat around the campfire...me, my kids, some of their friends, and some of my friends. Then Saturday came and I went into some type of crazy mind games. I had to come home to make sure mom was all set for the day and returned to camp around 3:00. Then my brain started to behave like the weather we were having. One minute, I was feeling happy and the next I was ready to cry. So, by 10:00 I'd had enough and drove home. Cried the whole way.

So, here we are...Mother's Day. It's not like Mike did all kinds of special stuff for me, but we usually went to the camp Mother's Day breakfast. Then, we'd just hang around. I am just so sad today.

Bubbles

I feel like I'm surrounded by bubbles. Each one represents my life choices...marriage, family, friends, career, spirituality, finances, leisure, fun, freedom.......

They are popping...like they've been pricked by a little needle. Some of the little bursts are things that I have no control over and some are things that I no longer want to have in my life. I find myself giving stuff away. I find myself letting go of people who do not have my best interest at heart. I find myself considering leaving my job, selling my home, and giving up camping.

I'm taking it one step at a time. I won't sell my home or give up camp yet. I'll give camping this year and next...after all, our friends are still there. The job, however, is another story. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else. I dislike the negative aspects of the job (and at least 50% is negative).

So, I'm taking another week off...thinking about things. We'll see.

I'm Here for You

"I'm here for you". Oh, if I had a dollar for every time that was said to me...in emails, on facebook, or over the phone.

That has got to be the most annoying statement anyone can make. Obviously, if the statement is being made any place other than to your face, the person stating it is not "here for you."

The one I get the biggest kick out of is the one that was said by a very close family member. It goes something like this (to another family member): "I feel so bad for her. I won't go there now, but I will be there when she REALLY needs me." Huh? My husband just died...on Thanksgiving...my daughter is brain damaged in a hospital across the country...and you're going to wait until I REALLY need you? Seriously...dumb ass.

The First Night

I finally did it...stayed overnight at camp. Of course, I wasn't about to do that all by myself...so my son Jason and his family stayed with me. It was odd. I spent most of the time choking down the tears and expected to see Mike everytime I turned a corner. This makes it real. He's gone and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. The people who camp there on a regular basis were so nice. Did that make it better? I don't know. Nothing makes it better I guess.

I brought Mike's ashes up there with me. Not sure why...only that he loved it there. I will need to make a decision on what to do with those ashes at some point. For now, he can stay there...in the place that he loved.

I'm tired...and feel totally disengaged from life.

Opening Weekend

I finally went back to camp today. Oh, it was so hard. The minute I opened the door and saw the eyeglasses still on the table, I totally broke down.

I am overwhelmed. I used to go up there to find everything already done. All I had to do was get the groceries. I never paid any attention to the things Mike did to get the camper open for the season. I'm paying for it now.

In 3 days, it will be 5 months. Sigh.