Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I'm struggling. I went back to work for 2 days in December and couldn't do it. I've been out on a medical leave since then. My leave will end in mid-March and I'll have to return to work or resign.

I'm just not sure that I want to go back. I work in a tightly federal regulated position that is monitored extensively. I used to like it...back when my life was good. Back then, I felt like I had so much freedom, so much to live for. Now the thought of every minute of my day being monitored and controlled makes me feel sick to my stomache.

Am I screwing my financial future if I don't go back? Some family and friends think I "need" to go back to give me something to do, or for my career, or for my future, or it's in my best interest. It seems like everyone else has an opinion or a suggestion. They don't understand this overwhelming sadness that is making me feel crazy. How can I go back to work if I can't take 10 minutes to compose myself when I need to? How do I stop my voice from shaking or tears from falling every time I think of him?

One month. Then, like it or not, I'll need to make a decision...and decisions are not something I'm very good at lately.

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